Fifty Shades of Red

Grocery shopping usually represents the smidgen of personal time I get during the week, but recently Tony and I have been so stretched for time between work and kid activities that I've had to drag along one of the kids on my shopping adventures. Grace is still relatively easy to manage at Walmart because she still fits in the baby seat saving me the trouble of trying to find her every few minutes. However, Grace's commentary to other people continues to be a bit of a gamble so generally I keep the cart moving pretty quickly. In her defence, she is very small and cute and strangers comment on her smallness in all different social settings. So I think Grace has assumed that the standard greeting on our planet is to comment on another's physique when given the chance.

On this particular day, we were getting groceries and I stopped by lingerie to find an appropriate fitting bra for the post-menopausal twins. My concept of privacy has long been abandoned and so Grace and I are in the fitting room together...me struggling with the wires and straps and her asking when she could expect to be so well endowed. Next stop was the bread aisle where a tall muscular biker type stood debating between the ancient grains and flax seed loaves. I really hadn't noticed Grace fearlessly studying his chains, tattoos, and piercings but he responded with a dazzling gold toothed smile and said "hi there little sweetie", to which she replied "You are a very big man." He burst out laughing and gave me the little eyebrow rise as if to say "you have no idea" and walked away with his ancient grains. I was just relieved that Grace identified his gender correctly as it tends to be hit or miss and "you are a very big lady may have produced a different response from the Hell's Angel. Once I get to the check-out I usually assume I am home free but as the clerk scanned my new bra, Grace chimed: "My Mom has very big boobs".

So this week I chose Lil as my shopping partner...I mean seriously, what else could she say to top Grace's conversation. This shop was to pick up last minute items in preparation for our holiday to England and I've managed to avoid the cookie-candy-chip aisle entirely saving me at least a 10 minute debate. Walmart had the fifty shades series on sale so I picked up the 2nd and 3rd book. Allow me to comment that after reading the first of the series and getting the impression that it was written by a 14 year old who watched too much porn, a patient told me that the 2nd and 3rd books were better...more psychology, less ropes. In the authors defence it's difficult to tell me a story I haven't already heard given my years of working in reproductive health and psychology.

Lil loves to help the girls bag the groceries at Walmart and as she placed my books in the bag she said "You just read 50 Shades of Grey and now you are getting 2 more Shades of Grey books"...and she proceeds to read the titles in her high pitched screech. "They must be really good books Mom...can I read them too?" "Not until you are thirty" I state and all the women in line nod in agreement, and the elderly cashier struggles to keep a straight face. "Aw why Mom?" "Because by then you will have finished your Harry Potters books and your internship in gynaecology." I bet those Walmart cashiers could write a book that could even make Christian Grey blush.