i don't

"Step away from the computer"
"Don't touch the fax machine!"
"Get your paws off the shredder"
These are my daily warnings from our receptionist, Crystal, who is absolutely the most patient human on earth. However, she has learned from experience when I so much as look at the computer, bad stuff happens.

I was born this way. When I was young, every watch I owned spun backwards when I put it on. I lost my 120 page thesis no less than 100 times when the computer I was working on would spontaneously shut down without saving my data. We arranged a consultation to convert our medical record keeping to a electronic system and on that date, we had an ice storm and the power went out for 24 hours. Two of our computers have been hit by lightning. Computers, cellphones, printers, fax machines, pagers, and shredders jam, play dead and occasionally catch fire with any persistent contact with yours truly. And we all know what happens when I try to book travel or get on an airplane.

This is a lonely place to be when one lives with a gadget wiz and two Chinese kids. We have a house filled with i-phones, i-pads, i-clouds, wii, apple tv, kindles, apple computers and my family members are chronically hooked into one of these devices at any given time. Lily plays on the wii and does math homework on the computer. Grace communicates with her planet and does puzzles on the i-pad. Tony farms, plays scrabble, calculates due dates and runs a department with his devices. On the other hand, my i-phone scares me so Tony converts the ringtone into a dog bark in the hope that I'll actually answer it. Our apple computer reassures me that it will repair the damage after I download photos and exit files. The kids have to turn the DVD player on for me.

It's not that I fail to appreciate all the great things technology offers me...I love blogging, emailing, texting. I've finally figured out how to join Facebook and I apologize in advance if I've mistakenly posted on your page. And I am quite fascinated by wiring...I just purchased a testing kit for electrical outlets that I want to play with this week. Electricity just doesn't seem to appreciate my enthusiasm. Maybe its my guardian angel reminding me that water and electricity don't mix.

So until there's an app for cooking dinner, driving the kids to school or walking the dogs, it would seem that I am destined to farm with a shovel and boots, read books made of paper and keep notes and a calendar with pen and paper. Generations of humans lived without an iPhone and continued to evolve. The upside is that I've learned to run a clinic by candlelight, cook a dinner without electricity and no one will ever have to pull my plug.